Le Sharqe

Thanks for your well-wishes. Mom's been discharged Sunday evening, and is now resting at home. She's still weak, and will probably need a couple of weeks to get back to her old self, but at the very least, she's out of danger now. So thanks to all who prayed for her and sent me 'get-well' messages for her. I really do appreciate it.

I spent hours sitting in the hospital Friday night, wondering what will happen next. It drives you crazy, the waiting...

And now, I'm waiting for something else. It's probably not good for me, waiting, wondering... the way I'm doing, but I do it anyway.

So, it's my birthday again. Another year flew by, so fast, but nothing seemed to have come out of it. I wonder if it's time for a change? Perhaps I should look into that... it's not as if I'm getting any younger, y'know? I suppose we'll see.

And I'm debuting my new icon, drawn by Jered and used by me with his kind permission (this means you can't use it elsewhere without his permission). I hope you like it as much as I do. ^_^ See you guys around! ^_^

My mom was admitted yesterday after testing positive for dengue fever, after seven days of fever and vomitting. I've just return home after 18 hours or so at the hospital, rushed there after work and got there at 5.00pm. Basically, it takes about a week for dengue symptoms to manifest, and her blood count dropped to a level that's considered dangerous, so her doctor asked her to go to the hospital. In between the blood test in the morning and the one in the hospital, her blood count dropped another 20k, and rashes started appearing on her arms and legs - classic dengue symptoms. There's no cure for it, so they just treated the symptoms and put her on drips and hope that her immune system is strong enough to fight back. Before I came home this afternoon, the doctor's said that there's a slight improvement with her blood count, but she still needs constante monitoring to ensure that she doesn't get worse. She's relatively stable and feeling a little better now, and we hope she'll be discharged soon. Well-wishes and prayers would be much appreciated.

Well... it's been a while. I'm not even sure if anyone reads this thing anymore, really, it's been so long. So, yes. Life, curveballs. Quite a few. Some pretty bad. Some more than pretty bad. So it goes.

Grandma's been ill - my maternal grandma in Ipoh. Her blood pressure was at an alarming rate, but thankfully, they caught it in time and is keeping an eye on her.

Work sucks. Any worse, and either I'll quit or I'll get fired. Pick one. Doesn't matter which. The goal here is to last until end of next year, but I'm really not sure if I'll get that far. We'll see.

New Zealand - for those of you in the know, is on the hold right now. I might reapply next year. For those not in the know, I applied for an NZ Working Holiday scheme (6 months) and got it. At the rate things are though, it probably won't happen anytime soon.

I dropped Spanish. I couldn't cope with it, but I stuck with French, and did pretty well in my exams. Next level just started, and I've already missed 3 out of 5 classes due to illness...

Which brings us to my health. I haven't been sick /that/ often, but it's still a little more often than I'd like.

And of course, I've been neglecting my friends shamefully... I wouldn't be surprise if there isn't any left by the time I'm done. I miss you guys, of course, but getting the energy to sustain a normal conversation is too much for me these days. I still don't have my own computer, and I can't really use the work one for non-work purpose, especially since my boss is keeping a close eye on every little mistake I make. Excuses, excuses... *sigh* I'm sorry.

Those who has known me for a while should also know by now that I don't put down everything that goes on in my life, especially stuff that's really bothering me. So yes, there are other stuff, and no, I probably will never mention it here.

But thanks for your patience, and for those of you who are still around, thanks for sticking around. *hugs* I'll see you around again, sometime.

211 emails... This is going to be a fun day. :P

I'm supposed to be back at work Wednesday. I've decided to cancel my leave tomorrow and go in to work though. Too much that has to be done, and my sense of responsibility won't let me do otherwise.

If I have a choice, I'd take the rest of the week off. Maybe next week too. And then the week after. I only left the house twice in five days, on Friday, and that's because Sis wanted to do some grocery shopping and dragged me and Nicki along. She seemed a little lonely, so we went over later that night and taught her how to play three-player mahjong. She wants to make it a weekly thing now.

That bone-deep weariness I mentioned hasn't worn off yet. I wake up, go online, do some meaningless stuff, take a nap, wake up, find something to eat, go online, sleep a bit more - not necessarily in that order. I don't seem to have the energy to do much else. I just can't seem to find it. So that's pretty much what I did the last three days.

I've French class tomorrow too, and I'm really not sure if I want to attend. My thoughts are strangely dull and uncooperative, my mind doesn't seem to work properly. I feel tired all the time, and I just want to sleep, sleep, and sleep a bit more. Which is funny, considering I really didn't do much the last three days. Bleh.

Seems like I'm struck with this bone-deep weariness that I can't seem to shake off.

I have a headache and my eyes hurt.

It's a good thing I don't have to work tomorrow.

So... I'm now looking at ways and means to distract myself. Not necessarily in a good way. Bwahahahaha...

So... I never questioned why I left a two-year-old SMS on my phone. Two of them, actually, but I accidentally deleted one last year, beat myself over it, but was consoled by the fact that I had another one to fall back on. I hardly ever read it or look at it. But even when I'm running out of space - I only have 20 measly SMS slots, less if the message is long - I've never even considered deleting it. I never asked myself why I kept it. I just did.

So... I never questioned why I don't think of certain things. Like the best doughnut shop in the world, and how we got there after watching the sunrise at 6-ish in the morning, and chose flavours like strawberry, blueberry, and I think there was a chocolate in there somewhere... best doughnuts I've ever eaten in my life, but did I think of it? No. And I never asked myself why. I just never thought about it.

So... I never questioned why I've never rewatched Shaun of the Dead. I got a DVD of it in Christmas 2004, and although I totally love the movie - one of the best movies ever - I just never took it out to watch it again. I never asked myself why I didn't. I just never thought about it.

Yesterday night, I found myself revisiting a lot of memories that I have not thought about in the past one and a half years. Beautiful memories, but at the same time, it kills me to think about them. And then I found that I was crying myself to sleep. No mean feat to do that quietly, since I'm at grandma's, and is sharing the bedroom with grandma, aunt, parents and sister (creative use of camping beds).

So... what now? I don't know what to do, where to go or what to think at this point. The sane part of myself has compartmentalized all these memories, feelings and emotions somewhere deep, deep within, and I have all sorts of walls up in order to function. It's been up for ages. And I just don't think about how I did that or why. I just did.

I'm not sure where to go from here...

Ugh, pulled a calf muscle the other day, hurt like hell, couldn't walk properly for a few days, but I'm recovering. Saw the doctor, who gave me days off from work, and it's mostly resting and plotting my future milk consumption (she said I'm having calcium deficiency). Hmm... right. So I guess I'll be eating cornflakes, wheat bran and whatever breakfasty type stuff you eat with milk.

So, when you think that you've moved on, something comes along to rake open the scars that has barely closed, and I find myself bleeding again. I really didn't expect it to hurt the way it did today. I don't think I can even tell what my feelings are, it's all a jumble of confusion and pain and bittersweet memories. Guess it's taking me a little longer to recover than I initially thought. It brings to fore my vast insecurities about who I am, what I am and how I appear to others. Am I as emotionally healthy as I thought, or have I just been hiding my deepest, darkest emotions behind the walls I've built up over the years? Is it possible for me to sustain a real relationship, not just with a guy, but with friends, family and co-workers, or has it all been a superficial sham? I always try to do what's best for others, but am I doing it because I really want the best for them, or just because I wanted the attention and the appreciation? Why do I always feel the urge to run away? Escape? What does it say about me?

I've been reading a lot these days, primarily the 'A Song of Ice and Fire' series by George R.R. Martin, which is pretty kickass... highly recommended, if you have the time to plow through 700-1000 page books. I'm currently on 'A Feast for Crows', which is the fourth and latest book in the series right now, and the boardgame is pretty kickass too. ^_^

Didn't do much writing in the past year... I did attempt to write something for Nano 2005, but it didn't get very far, due to time constraints. Time is not something I have a lot of these days, it seems. I did put part of what I wrote online, along with the first and only chapter I worked on for Nano 2003 and some RPG character background stuff here. I'd like to continue with what I have for Nano 2005 so far, which is a project tentatively titled 'Order and Chaos', but finding the time and inspiration to write it is the first problem. Whether it's worth continuing is something that I've been debating as well... I don't know, what do you think?

It does, doesn't it? Suddenly, the little cousin I held as a cute little baby was in school. Then in high school. Suddenly, she's half a foot taller than I am. (Yes, she is really tall). Then she's off to Australia for further studies. She came back for a month in December, but now she's leaving again on Friday morning, so Mom, Sis and I took her out for dinner and drinks. Was pretty fun, if tiring, since I worked late today, and is working tomorrow. Wouldn't give it up for the world though. As I told her before giving her one last hug earlier, "Friends come and go, but sisters," and here, we said it together, "are forever!"

Corny, yeah, but though we didn't see each other much while she was around, the four of us, my sister, Mel, Nicki, and I, are closer to each other than our numerous other cousins. She's got the whole world in front of her... I just hope she'll be safe and happy while she's over there. The world's your oyster when you're 18, or so I've been told. Seems like such a long time ago... I'll miss her.

I better spend more time with Nicki before it's her turn to fly off. At least, I'll have her here for another two years before she goes gallivanting off to study. I hope.

Happy New Year to all... I hope 2006 will be a better year than 2005 has been.

GG dropped by for a few days to see us, and I had dinner with her New Year's Eve, and decided to stick around to accompany her for New Year. We went to the hotel's lounge and listened to the band (which wasn't that good, really) but the option is to join the enormous street party outside, and neither of us wanted to be in the middle of those rowdy, noisy, foam-spraying kids. The New Year was looking pretty tame so far...

Later on, as I was on the monorail making my way to PJ, I realized that I got off the wrong station, and had to take a cab that costs me RM30+ :P At least the cab driver was a friendly guy who did not overcharge me. Some of my friends were having a New Year mini-party somewhere in PJ, so I decided to drop by and crash there for the night. Most of the festivities were over by the time I arrived at 3am, so we just played cards and some computer games, and later on, met some new people who came even later than I did. Speaking of which, one of these new people turned out to be pretty interesting. Sparks flew. I've always thought that you only hear about sparks flying when two people meet in stories, not in real life. I guess I was wrong. Not sure if anything will come out of it, but it certainly is an interesting start to 2006...

Dear all,

Here's wishing you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

I'm afraid I'm still not up to posting much, things being the way they are at work, but I do appreciate the emails and support that you've given to me the past year when things are bad. Thanks... it means a lot to me.

I hope you'll have a wonderful year ahead of you, and a wonderful Christmas with your families.

Take care and God bless...

Dear all,

I'm annoucing a hiatus from LJ-ing (not that I was ever that regular anyway) and also from the IM-ing world in general, due to some problems that I'm facing right now. Basically, what it means is that I won't be online much. I'll still be checking emails, so write if there's anything that you think I should know. Take care and be well.

The one who lives in ignorances, live in bliss. Truly, there are things that one is better off not knowing.

Those of you who know me well should know that I use Bleudonne and Black Dawn interchangeably as my nick. As you can see, I've decided to change my LJ page from gray to black, partly as a homage to my old blog, and partly because I've decided that I'm feeling distinctly Black Dawnish, so yeah. It suits my mood pretty well, I must say. The only reservation I have about this current colour scheme is that my Goth girl icon's hair blends into the background. Darnit.

*sigh*

A year ago today, I was in the States. I was staying with Heather and Sean in Augusta, and Sam came to visit. I also went on a day-trip to Savannah with Heather and Sam. It was fun… very much fun. I loved Savannah… such a beautiful place, so historic. I wish I had more time to see it, to explore it, to experience it. As for the AWA last year, I never did get to go to the Rose Ball, because I didn’t find a dress in time. *wry grin* I still want to go to a ball sometime, dressed to the nines. I guessed it just wasn’t my time last year. I wish I had taken the time to write the trip updates properly, because I have forgotten quite a bit… and so much has happened between then and now. On the other hand, I was really depressed after my trip last year, and it took a few months for me to get back to even a semblance of normalcy.

*sigh* I'm tired. I feel a little lost. I'm just not doing things too well lately. For a while now. I'm losing my focus. I'm just not sure what's going on with me. I don't want to stay here. I want to be away from here... but that's probably the stomach virus I've got yesterday talking. Perhaps, perhaps not.

So, boys and girls, you're stuck with me. And I'm stuck here.

Today was really good. I found out that I can put in an application to be a beautiful Goddess with millions of worshippers and join the Norse/Greek/Roman/Chinese/Japanese/African/whatever else mythology with my own stories! And best yet, I can be an Evil GoddessTM! How cool is that? Muahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!

I got out of bed a leeeetle late because my body felt as if it was fused to teh b3d. That's because I stayed up reading Thud!

I feel happy. I just found out that you don't have to be a 5'11 anorexic with a two-inch waist and supermodel looks to be loved. Evilness is not compulsory either, but adds a dash of spice into every friendship/relationship. Muahahahahahahahahaha!!!

Last night I had to make myself forget how bishie Cloud and all the villains in FF7:AC are. That's because I can't have them and it's not fair!!! Not fair at all!!! *sob*

I want to tell the world that I love you all! You're all so special to me!

I am updating this journal for the first time in ages, because I've been obsessing about all the bishies in FF7:AC. Biiiishies...

Today, I got a digital camera! Yes! Here's ten thousand photographs of all the bishies in FF7:AC!! It's fun! I get SUCH a rush out of this.

I want to say thanks to the academy for giving me this award. You love me! You really, really love me!

I went to the doctor yesterday, and he said I have bipolar disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder (bishies), megalomania and Goddess complex, because I think everyone loves me! And schizophrenia, because we have to have that many people in this head to fit in all these cool personalities disorder! Muahahahahahahahaha!!! And bipolar disorder.

You should all do this quiz! It's amazingly accurate. You just put in your name and birthday, and it will tell you the names of all the bishies you have had, is having, or will have a crush on from now until the next century. Yaay! Bishies!!!

Gasp! My own thoughts! How original! Uhm... I have nothing to say. m(_ _)m ... Oh wait, I do! Sephiroth is the coolest villain ever! Evilness has never been so sexy! Sephiroth!!! *swoons*

That's enough for now. But I'll leave you with this thought - I had to take two days of leave to get over the bishie overload after watching FF7:AC... omgomg *points* it's Sephiroth!!! *swoons again*

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Ten things that makes me happy…

* Walking on the beach, squishing my toes into the sand and feeling the sea breeze blowing through may hair and the tang of salty sea air in my nose… watching sunsets on the beach. Floating in the water with a blanket of stars above me.

* Reading a really good book with a great ending, a happy one that gives you a nice, warm feeling after you’re done, or watching really good movies, one of those rare gems that stays with you for a long time.

* Travelling, seeing new sights, experience new cultures, absorb new languages and be amazed at the diversity of people and cultures we have on this little planet of ours.

* Doing things to help people the best way I can. Being appreciated for it is a bonus.

* Walking in the rain – the right sort, when it’s not too heavy, and doesn’t drench you too much, but is nice, cool, and refreshing, and everything around you is so fresh and green - the trees, the flowers, the grass – all seems so much more vivid, and the smell of freshly rained on grass is one of the best in the world.

* Listening to good music and dancing. Going to the karaoke with a big bunch of friends and singing our hearts out. Spending time with good friends and being able to relax and be myself or be as silly as I want without feeling self-conscious about it.

* Sleeping in, lazing around the whole day reading or having the time to finally finish all those RPGs like Legend of Mana, FF7 and the myriads of games that I simply don’t have time to play anymore.

* Getting regular long emails that is actually written by the sender specifically for me, and not some joke/tale being forwarded to 100 other people. I love getting letters too. And little notes left for me here and there… and maybe a flower or two.

* Being liked and loved for just being myself, not because of how I look, who I know, how useful I am or how much money I have (or don’t have, in this case).

* Talking or spending time with the one I love.

No tags… but it’ll be nice if you could do this too, and let me know if you do.

I’ve been appalling slack lately when it comes to updating my blog. My excuse is the usual – I’m busy at work and I really don’t want my boss to catch me blogging, so I try not to do it unless I have to, or if it’s outside working hours, but really, I already stay back every day just to do finish up my work, and just don’t have the energy to blog. And the fact that although the phone company has put in the telephone poles near my house, they still haven’t done much more than that. *sigh* It’s an old excuse, I’m sorry I have nothing better to offer. *wry grin* Besides, it’s not as if I have any witty insights to share. Still, I’ll try to put whatever I can up here. Fair warning though, it’s very long.

( Quien se robo mi burro?!?! )

( Parties… )

( Sparkling Rain on Whispering Willow )

( What one does when one has had no internet access for eight months and counting )

( Wanderlust… )

( La vie en rose… )

To say that I'm upset that this happened to Heather and Sean is the understatement of the year. I'm so thankful that they both managed to get out without a scratch, and they are safe and sound, but they lost everything. They are wonderful people, and they really do not deserve this... >_< If you know them, please send them a message of support, and if there's anything that you can do help, please do.